On the Subject of Euphemisms For Bad Sex
by rev lady mal
Summary: Confessions over dinner, we learn far too much about the sex lives of nations then we probably want to know.  Also, loud, obnoxious women at the table next to them makes England lose his stiff upper lip. Characters: America, Canada, England and France.


"So tell me why exactly," France asked both of them, "Neither of you 'ad a date for Valentine's Day?"

Canada looked up from his menu, wondering why France would bring up the subject weeks after the fact. "But I had a date."

"I know you 'ad a date, and a fine choice too." France replied, glancing back at the other two at the table. "But what about you two? What excuse did you have for not at least spending the night out with friends?"

England sniffed and tossed his menu on the table. "I decided to stay home and watch the telly."

"Anything good on?" America asked. He knew all British shows were boring, except Dr. Who … and Monty Python.

"The third episode of Outcasts was on. I enjoy that show."

"Outcasts?" France asked.

"I bet it's about pirates! Or some Robinson Crusoe type plot!" America laughed. He looked through the menu again, wondering why there were no hamburgers listed.

England rolled his eyes. "It's about people colonizing an uninhabited planet. I'm simply hooked and can't miss an episode."

Canada blinked. "What about the DVR, you could have recorded it."

"No. I couldn't." England would never admit he had no idea how the damned DVR worked. He glanced at America, who gave him a curious look across the table.

France shook his head. "I weep for you, Angleterre. You eschewed romance for the damned idiot box."

"I really like that show, okay?" The irritation in his voice was evident as it rose above the din of the restaurant and could be heard by people at nearby tables. A group of three young women at the table next to there's glanced over at them, then looked at each other and giggled. Canada noticed the women and blushed.

"A show about outer space, awesome England!" America grinned. "Is it any good, or is lots of boring talking, like Brit shows usually are?"

England opened his mouth to tell him to sod off, but France beat him to it with his own question. "And what kept you from 'aving a date America?"

America gaped at France. "Well, actually … about that. Oh yeah, I remember now! Legos Star Wars III The Clone Wars came out at midnight on Tuesday, and I was at Wal*Mart waiting for it to go on the shelves!" He grinned at France, proud of himself for being able to answer him.

Canada covered his mouth after failing to stop the snort of laughter that escaped from his mouth. England glared at Canada but then turned his attention to America. "A video game?"

"Fuck yeah, a video game! It's Legos! Star Wars? It's cool as hell!" America glanced at Canada, wondering what was so funny.

France stared at him aghast. "You didn't ask anyone out for Valentine's Day because you had to buy a … let me get this right … a children's video game?"

America looked at France, still not sure what the problem was. "You mean you wouldn't?"

"Pfffft!" Canada couldn't hold it in any longer and rose from his seat. He shook his head and walked to the front of the restaurant.

France watched him go. "America, I wonder 'ow it is possible for you to have no romance, and then I remember you were raised by this idiot over 'ere." He pointed at England, who crossed his arms and fumed.

"Romance? Uh … I dunno. That's buying chicks candy and flowers and stuff, right?" America scratched his head and looked confused. Why spend money doing that, and the girl possibly not enjoying herself, when he could stand in Wal*Mart at midnight with a bunch of excited kids waiting for the new Legos Star Wars video game. That seemed like lots more fun to him!

"You're wasting your breath France," England muttered. Still very irritated at being called out for spending Valentine's Day at home.

Canada came back and sat back down at the table. He picked up his menu and flipped a few pages. "Maybe some fish."

"Non, fish is not in season right now, get the veal." France replied, waving his hand. "Or the Coq au Vin, that is what I am ordering."

America was about to panic; he still hadn't found any hamburgers on the menu. He turned the next page to see more words in French that he couldn't read; wondering where were the pictures in this menu, when he overheard the women sitting at the table next to them get louder with their conversation.

"He actually said that to me! "Let's bump uglies, baby!"" The women at the table all erupted into loud laughter.

"Eww! That's disgusting!"

The women laughed more. Canada glanced at America before hiding his red face behind his menu. France noticed him, then looked over at the women, a curious look on his face.

"Could he have been any more disgusting?" Another woman at the table asked.

"I don't see how."

Her friend snickered. "He could have said, 'let's make the beast with two backs.'"

"Shoving the turkey neck through the keyhole," the third woman laughed, "Now that is really gross." The three women all burst into laughter after making mock sounds of disgust.

England stared at the table, not wanting to show how awkward he felt. France glanced at him and smirked, then returned his attention to the women, while motioning the waiter over to their table. America sighed and settled on getting whatever Canada got and tossed his menu down. The women were talking about really embarrassing things, and America had a hard enough time being comfortable around women as it was. Canada had already decided on the veal, but the women at the table next to them made him blush bright red.

"Speaking of euphemisms for bad sex … here is my favorite one of all!"

"Really, what is it?"

England's face turned white, he grabbed the edges of the table, and his knuckles became white. So help them if they say what he thought they were about to say …

"Yes, tell us!"

The woman looked at both of her companions, smiled, and started " … Lie back …"

England closed his eyes, shaking … here it comes, he thought …

The other two joined her and they all finished together. " … AND THINK OF ENGLAND!" All three burst into laughter, causing some people at nearby tables to give them disapproving looks. America looked at them, and then let his gaze fall on Canada, who had slipped down as far as he could in his seat and still manage to sit in it. France stared at the women with a very amused look on his face, but before he could say anything to them, two fists crashed on the top of the table, making the silverware bounce and Canada's drink fall over.

"Oh Bloody HELL!" He exclaimed. His voice strangled with anger. He jumped out of his seat, spun around and descended on the table next to them. "Do you know how many times I have heard that? If I had five p … no … a half penny for every time I have heard that … for fuck's sake! 'lie back and think of …' Why did she say that? Why did she tell her daughter to think of …" He glared at each woman, one by one. "I will have you know … I am a God in bed! It doesn't mean I'm bad at sex! It means the opposite! He made another strangled groan of anger, grabbing handfuls of the tablecloth in his fists.

"Alright! Come now, settle down." France said as he jumped out of his seat and wrapped his arms around England's waist, he tried to pull him away from the table and the now very terrified group of women, but England would have none of it. His hands clamped to the tablecloth clinging to it with all his might. He began to drag the tablecloth, the food and drinks of the women seated there with him as France dragged him back to their table. "Pardon, ladies please … 'e cannot 'elp it, 'e is English!" He gave England one more yank, and with a loud ear shattering crash everything on the women's table found their way to the floor.

"A GOD I TELL YOU! I AM A GOD!" England sobbed as France dropped him back into his seat.

"Oui, a god of course Angleterre, of course." France sighed, sitting in his own seat and glaring at England. He looked up at the waiting server. "Another round of drinks, please … we are ready to order … and put their meal on my bill, with my apologies." He nodded toward the empty table of cowering women.

The waiter took their orders with professional efficiency, France only needing to kick Canada in the leg once for him to sit up and give his order. America, not understanding French at all pointed at his brother and said. "I'll have what he's having."

When he left, France put his hand on England's shoulder and began to lightly rub to ease some tension away. "It's just an expression."

"Aye, which means to grit one's teeth and endure!" England groaned.

"While thinking of someone more pleasant." France added, giving England a wink.

America stared at England, "Whoa … wait … girls are supposed to think about you instead of who they're with … because you're more pleasant to think about?" America shook his head and burst out laughing. "English men must really suck!"

Canada glared at America and kicked him in the leg. "Shut the hell up, eh? You're only making him feel worse!"

America didn't care; he held his head while his shoulders shook. "Thinking about England … as if!"

France glared at America, "Oh really, whom do you think about?"

America's shoulders stopped shaking, he slipped a finger under his glasses to wipe at his eyes. "What? What are you talking about France?"

"Whom do you think about, when you are on the verge of la petite mort?"

America swallowed, glanced at England's miserable expression and blurted out. "Huh? I thought we were talking about sex?"

Canada slammed his head into the table. If it were possible to look more miserable, England was demonstrating it perfectly.

France took a long sip of his wine, his eyes locked with America's. "Do you think about your partner?" He had a gleam in his eye.

"Fuck, who else would I think about?" America asked.

"Himself," came a quiet, almost inaudible mumble from England's direction.

Canada and France both looked at England. "What was that?" France asked him quietly.

"Didn't quite hear you." Canada added.

England groaned. "He's thinking about himself, Okay? Get it now?" England turned and gave America a pained look. "It doesn't matter who else is in bed with him, he's only thinking about … oh fuck it!" England leapt from his seat and stormed out of the large dining room toward the hallway where a little sign pointed toward the public restrooms.

France sighed and rose to follow. "At this rate we will never eat tonight."

Canada watched France leave, "Did England just say … you suck in bed? That means you and he …" Canada's eyes grew huge. "I knew it!" He covered his mouth with his hand and laughed.

America glared. "Shut up!" He crossed his arms and frowned at France's retreating back. "And stop acting like an idiot. _Everyone_ knows that!"

"That you suck in bed, or that you and Engla-" Canada never saw the fist coming, but he did see stars for the rest of the night.

Author's Note: I know there are a couple of fics, artworks and comics out there about this subject already, but it came up in conversation recently and the plot bunnies started gnawing … you know how it is.


End file.
